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Alone With J

September 24, 2012

BY J SWYGART
    Now we’re getting down to the nitty-gritty. Fewer than 50 days remain until the November general election.
    And while the presidential race is grabbing most of the headlines, let’s focus today on a race of near equal importance to Hoosiers. Indiana voters this year will select a new governor — choosing from Republican Mike Pence, Democrat John Gregg and Libertarian Rupert Boneham.
    Pence and Gregg have been airing television commercials, or so we’ve been told, but hopefully our readers are intelligent enough to dismiss those blurbs as meaningless drivel packaged and paid for by special interest groups on both sides of the aisle.
  Ah, but soon we’ll get to the real meat-and-potatoes of this gubernatorial campaign. Three one-on-one (on-one) debates will take place in the next few weeks, the first planned for Oct. 10. And it will be those debates that most accurately define each of the three candidates and their vision for the great state of Indiana for the next four years or beyond.
    Or will they? On second thought, probably not. Here’s a look at what more than likely will be the highlights of the upcoming debate season.

• Moderator: Thank you for joining us this evening, gentlemen. Would you each like to start by saying a few words about your reasons for running for governor?
    Pence: No.
    Gregg: I am running for governor because Indiana became a Blue State four years ago — if only briefly — so I figured, “What the hell.”
    Boneham: I was on “Survivor,” you know.

• Moderator: Fiscal issues are very much on the minds of Hoosier voters. Do you have an economic plan to help the state prosper?
    Pence: No.
    Gregg:  Of course I do. And Mike Pence is a doody-head.
    Boneham: Do I get immunity if I answer this one correctly?

• Moderator: Is there, in your opinion, a resemblance between Baghdad and an open-air market in Indiana?
    Pence: No.
    Gregg: Of course there isn’t! But Pence said there was! Back in 2007! I can show you the film clip. He’s such a jerk.
    Boneham: I really, really could use immunity, man!

• Moderator: Would you, as governor, be open to input from the Tea Party?
    Pence: No.
    Gregg: Liar, liar pants on fire!  He’s a Tea Party suck-up if ever there was one! Pence has become so accustomed to saying “no” — he’s been saying it constantly in Congress for the past four years — that he doesn’t ever remember how to say “yes.” Me, on the other hand, well ... I’m a yes man if ever there was one!
    Boneham: I can catch a fish with my bare hands.

• Moderator: What is your view on recognizing same-sex marriage in the state of Indiana.
    Pence. God is my co-pilot.
    Gregg: Well I’ll be damned. He can say something besides “no.”
    Boneham: Couldn’t I just eat a handful of maggots or something?

• Moderator: Any final comments as we wrap up this evening’s event?
    Pence: I’ve got this one in the bag.
    Gregg: My mustache and I will work tirelessly for the people of this great state by creating jobs ... and stuff.
    Boneham: Oh man ... I’m getting voted off the island, aren’t I?
 

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